It was glorious summer in the palace, though spring chill and dampness lingered on the city walls; the only thing dying behind its gates was a king. But his was a patently unremarkable death: feverish, undignified, and mildly depressing. It marked the end of a feverish, undignified, and mildly depressing reign. The courtiers were resigned to waiting it out in mostly respectful silence; they amused themselves in the mean time with noonday catnaps, mediocre poetry, and cool sherbets imported from the northlands.
All but one, that was, and he was not really a courtier in any case, for all that he was a member of the court. He had bare artisan's quarters on the highest story of the east wing, the tiled walls knocked out to make room for floor-to-ceiling windows, that no noble would have dreamed of living in. And while the courtiers were waiting, he was working.
"I sometimes think you are too enamored of your birds," his friend said, on that sweet summer's day.
"What?" Kymnir said, his focus on the drugged and docile thrush laid out before him. One graceful, curving wing was splayed out against the table, and he ran his thumb against the line of pinions, considering the ruffle of quills bent away from skin. Such a drab bird, to be so lovely.
"Yes, quite so," Lord Altic sighed. He dipped his spoon into the glass of sherbet at his elbow and licked fruit-stained ice off its rim. "I don't know how you can stand it, measuring them all day long. Especially in this heat."
"It is what I'm paid for," he said absently as he broke off one of the smaller feathers, little more than a wisp of down, and frowned at the jagged white line in the translucent calamus where he had twisted it.
Altic waved a dismissive hand. "You aren't paid to make them so very accurate as all that."
Them. Yes. The birds, and more than that, for there were two sorts of fowl kept in his sunny comfortless rooms: those of meat and those of metal. Both sang, when the whim took them that way, and the songs at least were hard to tell apart; but only the imitations were, aha, profitable.
"There is no other way to make them but accurately," Kymnir said, which was a harmless and incomplete lie. It was a pity Altic didn't gossip enough that it would get spread around. "Every detail matters; get too many wrong and they'd fall apart like the real thing even as they act like the real thing."
"Lying witch," Altic said good-naturedly. "Sorcery is not so logical. No, you just like measuring things."
"That too," he conceded.
"Hm. My wife says you should get out more, you know."
"She's trying to tell you that you should get out more," Kymnir said.
"Why else would I be sitting here?" said Altic.
"The pleasure of my company?" He drew his fingers away at last and smoothed down the crooked barbs of misplaced plumage as best he could.
"Hah! An obsessive, solitary man whose idea of a lunch break is mocking me about my wife is not what I call company."
"I can't help it," Kymnir said, feeling the way the bones and veins of the wing shifted when he pressed them. "There's so much to mock."
"You unkind soul."
"She really threw you out this morning, hmm? I haven't seen you in a week, I was starting to wonder whether she'd murdered you to keep you from invading the nurseroom every time you heard the baby cry."
"Very funny. She told me if I didn't go out I'd pace us right out of carpet," Altic said morosely. "And then the physician chimed in, worse yet. Said -" and here the man wrinkled his large nose "- that anxiety could ruin the humoral damn balance."
"There's nothing less balanced than a nervous and quite useless husband around," Kymnir said. "How is she, anyway?"
"Tired, still," Altic said. He had dark rings under his eyes: rare in this weather, which made spoiled young men and women languid, mornings and most afternoons frittered away on silk sheets. Not that it was otherwise in winter, Kymnir thought, dryly, but in summer the sheets were not so sticky afterwards. "Better than she was."
"And your son?"
"Loud."
Kymnir grinned. "Your mother wouldn't be pleased to hear you so flippant about your house's new heir."
"My mother--" Altic said, then paused. He sank deeper into the cushions and breathed out, slowly. "I forgot to mention; she-- Sendre I mean-- wanted to know what you're working on now."
"A thrush," Kymnir said, letting the gaping wound in the conversation pass.
"Who for?"
"The regent."
Kymnir placed a miniature ruler along the diagonal of the wing, marked down the length, and became aware that his friend was staring at him, long-stemmed spoon halfway to parted lips.
"The regent?"
"The regent who will rule until Prince Bastien comes of age," he said patiently. He remembered, a little late, that Altic had been born and bred loyal to his technical liege when he took in the man's slightly uneasy expression. His friend had a face like an axe, and discomfort sat strangely around his wide mouth, more obvious than humor or the slow-burning anger that sometimes showed up after a little too much quality time with his mother. Not a sight Kymnir hoped to ever see again.
"It seems rather blasphemous," Altic murmured, "to be thinking of a man's replacement while the man himself yet breathes."
"Blasphemous?" Kymnir said, pinching the thin webbed skin around the joints of the wing. There was no way to simulate the effect exactly, but he could use fine wire cords stretched across steel ribs like bone spars to produce a similar one, if he did it right. "He has a kind of consumption, in the advanced stages. He will not outlive the night. Messages will already have been sent to his chosen, as you say, replacement. And a project like this requires at least three days of intensive work--with which you are not helping, by the way --"
"Measuring cannot be intensive," Altic protested. "Merely mind-numbing for everyone but you."
"-- and I'd like to have it done in time for the investiture. Hence I am starting it now."
He located his compass and positioned its arms so that the V of them forked the thrush's shoulder, heedless of the scratches twin points left in the gloss of the tabletop. Altic watched him from where he was lounging on a low-backed sofa, pensive, his chin on his hand.
"I am a commoner," Kymnir said, more gently, when he was finished notating the angle of the wingset in narrow scientific script. "I don't know the king. I don't have a particular interest in knowing the king posthumously."
"No, I suppose not," Altic said. "He was-- is-- was an-- unpleasant man."
"Yes."
"The king, though."
"That too, yes," Kymnir said, counting struts that radiated out from the second joint.
"My family has always--"
"Yes."
"And everyone is waiting for him to end."
"Yes."
"It must be the heat," Altic said, glumly. "I don't care, really. I just."
"That may be the worst excuse for guilt I've ever heard," Kymnir said. He tucked the wing back into place; stopped to admire the way it fit around the flank's contours.
"It's not guilt."
"No? Then what would you call it?"
"Pity," Altic said, holding his glass of melting ice up to the light.
"Wasted on him."
"And you. I should have known better than to object."
"You misjudge me," Kymnir said. He placed a hand over the exact location of his heart, letting the bird rest undisturbed, albeit briefly. "I am listening eagerly. Why pity?"
The other man was silent for a long moment, and quite still, holding himself as if poised to rise. Thinking, so much was obvious. And Kymnir had an inkling as to what exactly he was thinking of. Sunlight slanted across his cheek and blotted out the shadows until he might have been a mosaic, flat, dry paint and glass on stone. When he did speak it was with a certain calculated carelessness. "Why not?"
"That's a terrible answer. You ought to be ashamed of yourself."
“Oh, believe me,” said Altic, “I am.”
And this time Kymnir couldn't read the look in his friend's lazy eyes. He shook his head, turned back to his work, and spread the long tailfeathers into a perfect fan, stretched the wings again as well and gently, gently fixed them thus and so with clasps designed for the purpose.
He was just about to unroll the drafting paper when his friend added, without warning, "But someone has to pity him."
“You lunatic royalist,” Kymnir said, not unkindly, “that's what his widow is for.”
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
EDITS HAVE BEEN MADE.
There were a few points on your very, very kind review, yrclever, that I disagreed with, but otherwise it was extremely helpful. Thank you so much! <3
Storm_bringer - well, most of them seemed to be grammar preferences or problems that more reflected this being an unfinished work than things that should be added within what has been written so far. Physical description I do need more of; with metaphysical description, haha, I try to ease it in, with varying degrees of success. Which I think is what you're talking about.
Hello again!
Answers to your questions...
I think, that it's just because they are adults and not really talking about anything fun. There isn't a lot of action. I don't know. I'm curious to see what the fantasy part is going to be about.
That's what it should be.
I think just a little bit more would be great. Altic is good though. Yes, the room needs more, the tower, the world, the bird sculpting. The magic with the bird stuff. And the wife, Sendre. Just a little more.
This is great that you're clearing things up with us, but you should clear it up in the story too. That way the readers won't be confused about the same stuff as us.
Does this clear everything up? Hope it does. PM me if you have any questions...
~Storm
Helpful McHelpfulpants, I like the ring that username has to it.
Great hook! there should be a semicolon here instead of a colon, though.
Alas, here I feel you might want to switch the comma after "death" for a colon.
While I understand the effect that you are trying to achieve here, I must confess, I had to read over this line to realize that you were referring to his death with the word "it". Perhaps clarify it with something along the lines of: "It therefore came as no surprise that with his death came the end of a feverish, undignified and mildly depressing reign."
I would change the semicolon to a period, but I guess it's really just a matter of preference.
While this does certainly have a bit of a kick to it, I can't help but feel that this second sentence would read better, "And he was not a real courtier in any case...".
Very well put! I am really enjoying your writing style. It's so... stylish.
This is confusing, and I can't help but feel that it is also unremarkable, and doesn't add much to the value of the piece.
With all of the great writing here, I think that "his friend" is to unremarkable to make it into your story. Perhaps try telling us what his friend's job is, but you can certainly not keep "his friend" there. It is simply clumsy.
Allow me to compliment you on this great piece of dialogue.
I am not quite sure what you intended when you said, "little more than a wisp of down". I don't know what it means, but this may simply be a lack of knowledge on my part.
Very interesting!
Now would be a good place to tell us who she is. Perhaps, "Your wife's just trying to tell you that you should get out more." This would clear a lot up.
Great!
I think this is your weakest line of dialogue so far. Why would he pick up on Kymir's mocking of his wife? I'd think he'd more pick up on Kymnir's deranged personality involving an obsession with birds.
Very amusing. Although the bit with the physician is left a little unexplained. Why did he "chime in"?
I was not aware that this word existed.
Kindly enlighten me as to what the face of an axe looks like. The simile doesn't help me paint too clear a picture.
Nix "that last". It doesn't help us very much.
He murmured, huh? You mean the word "said" would not have sufficed? There is no reason to deviate here.
The "which" doesn't really work here. Perhaps, "A prospect which you are not helping." or maybe just cut the "which" out completely.
Perhaps, "when he had scrawled down the angle of the wingset in narrow scientific script.
This section made me laugh. I don't know why though.
He wasn't holding his "glass-of-melting-ice" up to the light was he? He was just holding the glass. The melting ice just happened to be in it. I would adjust the narrative accordingly.
Your punctuation here makes this hard to read. Try, "Thinking; so much was obvious. And Kynmir had an inkling of an idea what exactly he was thinking of."
Once again this is a preference thing, but I would nix the "and so".
Great ending to the chapter!
Sorry it took me so long to review this, but my internet was unkind to me from Wednesday until last night. I do hope that the review was worth the wait though.
Overall:
First off, thanks for reviewing. =)
Currently he's not doing anything to the bird but measuring proportions. Later he will make a mechanical replica out of metal.
Can you tell me more about how the characters were boring, what you would rather read about in terms of interesting characters, etc.? Pretty please? :heart:
Hmm. Yes, you're probably right on that one.
Nah, patently modifies unremarkable - it's an adverb, not an adjective.
I'm hoping I can get away with that because a) it's his thoughts and b) grammar is more lax where fiction is concerned.
Now, yes. But sherbet often comes in glass cups, even more so at the approximate time period of this. ;3
Alas, that would change the intended meaning. Might see about rearranging it a little, though.
In this case I feel justified about using a colon, since one clause hinges on the other.
He wants people to think that that's a requirement of the magic so they'll stop bothering him about it.
It'll be explained later! Haha.
A witch is not always a girl. See: the Salem Witch Trials, etc.
Altic's wife. Possibly I should make that a little clearer...
Er... what?
He's breaking off in the middle of a thought.
So, re: NEEDS MOAR IMAGERY
Again, your help is very much appreciated and I thank you for taking the time to review.
Hello!
Here as you asked!
Wow. This was interesting! I loved the bird part and the characters were funny but a wee bit boring (only from there dialogue). Ummm, a part I was confused on was when Kymner was doing something to the bird. Sculpting it with metal? I was confused...
Okay onto the (very few, good job) Nitpicks!
Instead of this : you should use this;. Sorry I forgot there names.
Comma after patently.
I'm guessing this wasn't their favorite king?
This is a fragment I believe. Perhaps change it to: Such a drab bird, yet it was to be so lovely.
I believe most people eat their ice cream in bowls.
"It is what I'm paid for," he said absently as he broke off one of the smaller feathers,
This seems kind of choppy. Maybe change it to:
"You aren't paid to make them all so very acurate as that."
Again, use this ; instead of this:.
Why is it a pity? Plus, get rid of the get.
Woah. Highly confusing. The last part confuses me. How can it "fall apart like the real thing as it acts like the real thing"?
A witch is a girl. You could use wizard or warlock, instead.
Er. Who is Sendre?
ever see again, after that last time.
He just what?
That's all for the nitpicks. Wow.
You could use a bit more work with imagery in this peice. Maake readers really see and feel images in this story. It would help a lot. And make your story more realistic.
This is in fantasy, can't wait to figure out what the fantasy bit is about. (Sorry I'm a fantasy lover) Although, it must be a bit hard with a man and a metal bird maker...
You have a very nice ending and beginning. It is very strong, and those are important places for strong writing to be. So great job on that.
Well, good luck with this story. Thanks for using my thread. Please post on it again if you want me to review something else of yours.
Hope this helps!
~Storm
I most certainly will. You've been v. v. helpful. =]
Yeah, it was obvious that he'd know what the terms are (and there are a few sprinkled throughout the rest of the work as well), so I don't think you should replace it. o_O; I mean, even without looking it up, you can kind of assume what it is, as you can with the rest of the terms, so I think it's okay for now, unless you're completely worried about making it clear (which I don't think you should, since it's not necessary to make the story). =D
And you're welcome! Remember to let me know if you ever post anything else! -claps-
-Hannah-
First off: thank you thank you thank you thank you. XD
YAY. I put way too much effort into coming up with a beginning, I'm glad it paid off!
I think I'll just change it to a dialogue tag, as you suggest. Also, yes, the calamus is just that end bit of the quill; I figured Kymnir would have reason to know the technical term, and I was hoping the context made it clear enough. Think I should replace it with something less obscure?
I know what you mean. Have to think about it, though - I'd like to get across just that same sense without the informality, and it's eluding me a little at the moment. *rocktumbles*
Urgh, yes. My dialogue tags, they are so torpid sometimes. The urge to elaborate in painstaking detail, it possessed me often. But I will struggle on! Cut out the 'best knowledgeable tones bit' entirely. I'm keeping conceded for now, but it is a clunky verb and I will debate it mightily in the dark of night. Good-naturedly is a tad awkward. Hmm.
:'D Thank you again!
And one last expression of gratitude. I really appreciate your reading and detailed critiquing, it makes me ridiculously happy. I'll be off now try to go back and split those unfortunately tortured sentences, hmm?
Here as promised. n_n Sorry it took so long. -sob-
I. Little Things
Okay, now THAT was a fantastic first line. Wait, I take that back. That was a fantastic first paragraph! I really admire it, just from that little snippet. The language, the way you put the sentences together, it all has a sophistication about it, but beneath that it's that kind of tongue-in-cheek humor that is so fun to read. It's like 'I'm going to say this, but I won't really mean it. ;D' -loves the opening-
Um, saying that he said 'it' is kind of awkward after just putting some dialogue. You can probably work the two sentences together. It would only be a little longer: 'he said absently as he broke...' Also, I don't know how many people would know what a calamus is. D; I don't! Is it the little part of the feather that's at the end? Like the quill part?
I really like this little insert here and the tone it brings with it, but I think you can pull it off in a way that keeps it literary. Maybe 'were profitable, so to speak', or something like that? ^_^
I have thoroughly enjoyed the dialogue up to this point, but this is where it's started to be a problem. It's not even the dialogue, actually, so much as the dialogue tags. There's a general rule that you should try to avoid adverbs and fancy dialogue tags such as 'conceded'. Because, well, we generally skip right over them. We, as readers, are trying to work our way through the words, and sometimes assume that a dialogue tag would just be 'said' and nothing else, that there wouldn't be anything important in there anyways. =] Like, you should try to convey the tone of the dialogue WITH the dialogue and only indicate tone when it could be ambiguous or when it's opposite of what's expected. n_n Also, about the adverbs, that's kind of the same thing.
Anyways, the specific problem here is 'in his best knowledgeable tones'. It's really awkward, in my opinion. And what are knowledgeable tones anyways? Right? =]
!!! -gigglefits- I liked that.
And that as well!
II. Overall
In fact, I rather like ALL of your dialogue. This piece, though it got a little tangled in some long sentences, was brilliant, in my opinion. It was beautifully written, the dialogue was so natural and perfect. In fact, I think I'm in love with this. You keep the tone throughout the entire thing, and you develop your characters brilliantly, even in this short span of time.
The only critiques I would have would be to go through and try to catch some sentences you might have thought veered a bit on the long or confusing side and try to break them up. I'm sure you'll know where those are -- I'm sure you caught yourself questioning them, but left them in anyways, since I do that a lot. =] After you do that, write more. I love these characters.
This was great! Thank you! Please let me know if you ever need anything else looked at!
-Hannah-
Thank you, I think? (: So, in essence, boring conversation is boring. That's not too surprising, alas; it's an improvement on the original beginning dialogue, but not by much. Any specific suggestions about how to, uh, liven it up would be appreciated, as well as commentary on what particularly you thought killed the interest, haha.
I'm not sure what you mean by describe the characters, exactly. Like, explain who they are at the start? "Lord Altic, a good-for-nothing layabout whose saving grace was his wife, said..." - that kind of thing? Or do you mean differentiate their speaking styles more? *is dense & requires explanation*
Thanks again for reading and reviewing!
Hey! I am the first to crit this, yay.
First let me say that I really like your grammar or the way that you construct your sentences, I also like the words you use.
The beginning part was very funny and sweet, but I felt that when the two characters started talking the excitement fell. It was written so well, but maybe you should try and work on keeping the energy throughout your work.
I also think that you should describe the characters more so that the reader can identify with what they are saying.
Anyway, you write well, and welcome